Walls

walls
a locked door
closed window
guarded eyes
shrugged shoulder
raised fist
disconnected phone
muted voice
I don't care
not right now
not ever
I don't want to talk about it
I don't want to talk to YOU about it.

take your love and go
take your light and leave
take your need and suffer
your problems pale to mine
they do not matter

keep your help
it sickens me
you are too weak to help
too dumb to understand
not trustworthy enough to know
no friend of mine

...

I hear these words day in and day out.
Some spoken, some in my head.
How long do I need to cry?
to bleed?
to long and want and wish?
and why do I?
Because I care.

even staring at a blank wall.

sandie~
3/24/08

Bound to you
More than physical chains bind us two
sinuous ties that bind
stroke silk to skin
beg for release
never
forever.
fly with tethered feet
soar with clipped and fettered wings
call to your mate
bright plumage cast aside
skin bathed in sunlight
sweat beads on your lip
I lick it dry.

Night Swimming~

a silken splash as my head parts the waters
cool on my skin after your hot breath
I dive deep, piercing the waves
rolling and diving with the grace of an otter.

My world is painted in black and electric blue
reflection of moon on water.

My lover joins me
wading cautiously in
this is no time for care or fear
I slither between his legs
twining my way up his body
python strong I squeeze...

then with a flash of silver belly to the moon
I push off with all strength from his body

avoiding the net
the curve of my hip
enticing another sailor into the sea
like so many before him

Looking to make a trophy of me
to model me on the prow of a ship
to be the first
the only

To make the mermaid mere mortal~

Broken

my feet so weary
traveling cloak in shreds about me
a farm path becomes a bridge
becomes a street
becomes a path thru the woods

wolves howl about me:
I know what they want
they will not have me
even if they took me
they would not have ME.

Two equal paths lie before me
the distance is enormous
tho I cannot see ahead,
I still know this.
choose blind, someone to walk with me.

I look to the skies
ask my god for guidance
he has no sympathy for a traveler
he is listening to his new angel choir
Devastated...I choose.

I choose neither
I choose to fly.
a whiplash circles my feet
I am fettered once more
back to earth.

and broken.

~sandie
2/29/08

Stone God

Bless me father,for I have sinned.
I have lusted in my heart.
or maybe my heart has nothing to do with this
a god carved in ebony tinged white marble
incense burns
or is that haze a spark from your mouth?
let me worship at your altar.
poised like a swimmer ready to leap
that image haunts me.
let me bring color to your stone visage
gold in my hair
purple plumage
grey eyes with flecks of gold
sink into me
black and white
flash and flame
you and I


~sandie

Small Acts of Bravery by the Cowardly.

What is bravery? Do you find it in your heart, or at the "right end" of a gun? Is it something you are born with? or can you learn it? Can you EARN it??

I'm struggling a little with bravery right now. There are several areas of my life that require a great deal of grit on my part to deal with, and I just wonder...am I weaker, or stronger than the average person?

I recently sent two people I care about into the military. Well, one was already in the military, just going for some routine exercises. The other is now in boot camp. I know little about what they are going through. Both are braver than I, and both would deny it til the end of time. The one already active has seen more suffering and loss than I can imagine. I have been privaledged, I consider it, to be able to read some of his writings and all he has shared on paper makes me feel very, very small. I can't wrap my head around it--even second-hand. How do you pick yourself up and go on in the face of such paralyzing grief, or horror? How do you do it not only once, but many, many times? I have a bad dream, or have to kill a spider, and I'm hysterical. I lose a loved one, and although I may never shed a tear in public: I am agonized. Imagine the people you love, share a home with, eat your meals with. Now imagine them taken from you, perhaps leaving you standing only feet from them.

I am a horrible coward.

I have spent the last few days mourning bit. What a selfish, immature person I am. I am worried about--will they miss ME, will they get to write to ME, how will *I* go on, and sleep at night without my buddies there to talk to, and lean on?

A horrible, selfish coward.

If my loved ones can go, I can at least be brave enough to send them.

I'm not. But I will.